The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
