Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize