I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
