i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
you had me at cake vodka
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
