when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
