Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
