Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
