All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
