I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize