I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
