can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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