Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
