Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
