A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Randomize
