I want to walk on stilts...naked
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Let's get the cat blown out
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
