god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
That's when you crack a 10am beer
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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