It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
