JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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