My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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