he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
