Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
