Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
