He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Holy shit dude........stairs
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