I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
