her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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