Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Randomize
