well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Randomize
