ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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