you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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