I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize