I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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