I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Houston, we have a blender
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
