end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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