did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
