Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
