Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
