I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
