My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
