Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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