Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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