They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Randomize
