If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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