dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
