You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
only if we run a train.
done.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Randomize
