i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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