my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Randomize
