did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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