He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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