Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
He did a backflip because drugs
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
