Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
