I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
