I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
