He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
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