omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize