I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
