This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
