my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
