Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
