I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
