chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
