Who wears a wallet chain?!
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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