Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
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