Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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