I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
