Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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