I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
